


(S)he

by angelcult



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Behavior, Extended Metaphors, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Intentional Misgendering, Internalized Transphobia, Metaphors, Misgendering, Self-Esteem Issues, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Rich Goranski, Transphobia, unintentional misgendering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-06 22:02:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20514200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelcult/pseuds/angelcult
Summary: High school is hell, but it’s somehow even worse when you’re trans and your only friend is now being controlled by a supercomputer all while trying to control your own emotions.AU by @praisethelamps on Instagram! You all should definitely check them out.





	(S)he

“Clementine… I want to be called Clementine now.”

Jeremy’s eyebrows raised and he tilted his head. “Like, from The Walking Dead?” He didn’t get a response but he didn’t mind, just smiled widely and kept talking. “That’s a beautiful name! It suits you, it like, reminds me of sunflowers and stuff.”

Jeremy watched the tears fill his friend’s eyes and she covered her face quickly, pushing her glasses up as she wiped them away.

“I already told my moms and they were so proud of me. I guess they suspected but they wanted me to come to them about it.” Clementine smiled, and it was the smile that Jeremy had grown accustomed to seeing all his life, but this one was brighter and happier,  _ free.  _

“Thank God it's summer, right?” Jeremy asked, hopping to his feet. The summer before junior year, and while he didn’t know much about the topic, he’d do well to educate himself on it. He wanted to help Clementine in any way that he could.

“Yeah! You could, uh, buy a bunch of summer dresses?” Jeremy suggested, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly and flushing red at the look he was getting from her before she smiled again.

“Yeah, man, we can definitely go get some dresses.”

Jeremy beamed, proud of himself but most importantly, proud of Clementine for being brave enough and  _ trusting  _ him enough to tell him this.

“But first, we need to beat level eight of Apocalypse of The Damned, because I’ll be  _ fucked  _ if we don’t at least make it to level nine before school starts.”

And just like that, they were playing video games again and Clementine was glaring and laughing at the screen in equal measure.

  
  


Before the beginning of Junior year, Clementine and Jeremy went out to go shopping for clothes. She’d started to grow her hair out, it was already to her shoulders. Her sense of fashion was more retro than Jeremy’s own.

They were at Spencer’s when her eyes fell on something that made them light up. Jeremy followed her gaze and he saw a light blue dress. It was pretty, with little star designs along the hem and a cinched waist. 

He nudged her towards it and for a moment, he expected her to swagger over and swipe it off the rack but her eyes went a little blank and she shook her mutely.

“No, dude, it’s uh.. It’s fine.”

She didn’t let Jeremy respond, instead paid for her things and quickly left the store. Jeremy looked at the dress and then back to where Clementine had rushed off to before making an executive decision.

It’s a two-player game, right? 

Clementine looked nervous and kind of guilty when Jeremy sat down across from her in the food court.

“I’m sorry, Jer, I shouldn’t have left you like that, that was a dick move-“

“Hey!” Jeremy waved his hand in a manner that said it was alright and slid a bag across the table to her. “I won’t say that I  _ totally  _ understand but I think I get it a little.”

Clementine raised an eyebrow and opened the bag, scanning the contents before closing it quickly. She bit her lips and tried to hide a much too obvious smile, face flushing just a little and Jeremy felt that familiar fullness that came with making his friend smile or laugh or just feel good.

“I blew you off and you buy me a dress. You’re too good of a man, Jeremiah Heere.”

“Well, you, Clementine Mell are too good of a woman to not buy dresses for.”

They stared at each other for a moment before bursting into laughter, Clementine having to push her glasses up to wipe tears from her eyes.

  
  


“So, Jer, how are you feeling about Junior year?”

“Like Rich Goranski may have missed shoving me into lockers and occasionally calling me gay.”

“ _ Dude.” _

Jeremy laughed and shakily brushed his hair back. 

“Okay, okay.. I think it’s going to be an amazing year.”

—

The year wasn’t turning out so great, but it was only the beginning, so Clementine didn’t stress. Instead, she sewed a trans flag onto her signature red jacket, got a pin that read “she/her” and pushed through.

The bullying from the popular kids was typical, but got worse when the transphobia was thrown into the mix.

“Yo! Headphones kid.. Tall-ass, what the fuck are you doing?” 

Clementine sighed and Jeremy shuddered, gripping her arm as he turned to face Rich. What he didn’t have in height, he made up with muscle and anger, general nastiness.

“Go away, Rich.” Clementine muttered, her mood not the best after another day of dealing with both the staff and the students.

“I wasn’t aware boys could be on their periods, quite a skill you’ve got there, fucker.”

Clementine tensed and Jeremy felt that surge he always felt to protect his friend, even though he didn’t have the balls to speak up for himself half of the time.

“Hey! Don’t call her a boy, you fucking asshole.”

Rich quirked an eyebrow.

“The fuck are you talking about?” He crossed his arms over his chest, a prominent frown on his face as he did so.

“Don’t- don’t play dumb, she’s literally wearing a pin-“

Rich shoved Jeremy aside, squinting so that he could assess Clementine. Now that Rich was closer, Jeremy could make out the way he leaned in and thus connected that Rich most definitely was supposed to be wearing glasses.

His eyebrows flew up and Rich glanced briefly over his shoulder like he was looking at someone before back at them.

“Fuck, you aren’t dicking with me?” He even looked a little  _ embarrassed,  _ something that Jeremy hadn’t seen in the two years he went to school with him.

“Oh jeez, I’m,” Rich jolted like he’d been shocked but continued to force himself to speak. “I’m sorry, I uh,” The stutter was new but oddly fitting as Rich looked around and then motioned to his chest.

“Me too.”

Jeremy didn’t understand but Clementine did, and she visibly relaxed. “Stealth?” She asked, and Rich nodded, scratching the back of his head. 

“Listen, let’s make a deal. You don’t say anything about this and I’ll get Jake off your ass, I know he’s kind of a fucking idiot and can’t tell the difference between pride flags and cross dressing but I know he’s not transphobic so.”

Jeremy was honestly shocked, so was Clementine if her expression was anything to go by.

“Why didn’t you stop him sooner?”

Rich grimaced and leaned against the locker, glad that the hallways had been empty during their conversation. He looked a little uncomfortable under the scrutiny from Clementine.

“In case you didn’t notice,  _ Princess,  _ I just started school yesterday. Why d’ya think you haven’t been seeing more of my pretty face? Now, I gotta go before someone sees me with you two losers.”

The two of them shook hands and then the conversation was over, leaving Jeremy more than a little confused.

“What was that?”

“I’ll explain on the way home.”

  
  


“Is there a girl in there with you, Jeremy?” His father asked in excitement and Clementine sighed. 

“It’s just me, Mr. Heere!”

The two of them agreed to pizza, as that’s what Jeremy’s father always bought whenever she was over, and he wasn’t wearing pants, but neither of them commented on it, choosing to play the game.

“Why’d Rich leave you alone at school? I mean, I’m glad he did but..” Jeremy glanced over at Clementine and she just shook her head, sighing out through her nose. 

“Jeremy, if you didn’t understand then I’m not going to say it, but I think you’ll start to get it.”

They lapsed into silence after that, but it was not uncomfortable.

—

“Rich, he told me about this thing called a Squip and we’ve gotta check it out, Clem! I bet it’s like what we’ve always needed. A chance to be cool.”

Clementine gripped her hands together and twisted them in her lap, nervous. 

“I don’t know, Jeremy, that sounds like.. Like something out of a bad sci-fi movie. A supercomputer? One that’s inside your  _ brain _ ? I can’t think of anyway that could possibly be… Safe. He’s also probably scamming you.”

“Listen, I just need to give the guy who torments me… Six-hundred… Yeah, he’s totally scamming me.”

Clementine laughed, throwing her head back before looking back at him. “Dude, you are cooler than a vintage cassette. It’s just that nobody else but me thinks that  _ yet _ .”

Jeremy smiled and her nervousness about the Squip seemed to melt away as she ranted and raved about how much  _ better  _ college would be for the both of them and Jeremy relaxed a little into the idea of it.

“But.. College is so far away and I- I hate feeling like this all of the time, Clem. Like…” He trailed off and he grasped her hands, squeezing them. “You know that you are my favorite person? We’re never not gonna be a team.. It doesn’t mean I can’t still dream though.”

“You mean, if we go through with this, you won’t be too cool for..” 

A series of images flooded Clementine’s mind, but the word that kept flashing was “me”,  _ you won’t be too cool for me? _

Instead, she faked a smile and leaned in. “Video games?”

—

Jeremy was ignoring her, he was blowing her off and she hadn’t felt this lonely in a long time. She’d known Jeremy for twelve years, they never just blew each other off, even when they got into arguments. 

It hurt, and she wondered briefly, if Jeremy’s climb into popularity meant that she had no room in this new life of his, with shiny pills and Mountain Dew. 

“C-Clementine! I haven’t seen you all day, I-“

“What?  _ You’ve  _ been ignoring  _ me,  _ Jeremy.” She gritted out, hands stuffed into the pockets of her hoodie. “You’ve been acting.. shady ever since.. Since-“ 

_ Shiny pills and Mountain Dew. _

“It worked, didn’t it?” And her emotions had always controlled her, her heart was always full and she was selfless.

“Jeremy, that’s amazing!” She rested her hands on his shoulders and bounced on the balls of her feet, a wide smile blooming across her face. 

“We’ve gotta test it out- no, no, we need to  _ celebrate _ !” 

Jeremy looked excited for a moment but then his eyes cut over his shoulder and Clementine followed his line of sight, though she didn’t see anything.

Jeremy shuddered, and Clementine dropped her hands, taking a small step back. 

“I already  _ know  _ what it’s like to be the.. the loser! The mistake! The kid  _ no one wants- _ “ 

Clementine’s eyes widened, she’d always been familiar with Jeremy’s insecurities, his fear, the failed relationship with his mother and his inability to connect with his father.

“The one that isn’t supposed to speak, the  _ wuss,  _ and I’m done! I’m.. I’m done.” 

Was this really the Jeremy who cried when he tripped and skinned his knee? Who played video games with her until dawn broke?

It had to be, because there were tears building in his eyes right now and Clementine wanted to comfort him, but he was so tense and his eyes, they seemed to faintly glow.

Blue, too brief but too bright to be natural.

“I’m done.. Mic-“ She watched Jeremy slap a hand over his mouth and curl in on himself, shaking his head furiously.

“ _ No,  _ I can’t say that, I  _ won’t say that name- _ “

It was clear that Jeremy was no longer speaking to her but the intent of his cut off words were clear. 

_ Aim to hurt. _

She took another step back, away from Jeremy, away from twelve long years of love and friendship,  _ away, away, away.  _

“Stop! I.. I don’t want to be the loser, the geek or the.. the whatever, but I don’t.. want to be the asshole.. the pathetic..”

Jeremy was curled in on himself and he was crying now, openly, his eyes closed tightly as he forced himself to speak through his violent trembling.

There was silence and Jeremy tilted his head like he was listening to something that Clementine couldn’t hear, and then he slumped to the ground.

“I’ll take the upgrade.”

“What? Jeremy, let's go home, you aren’t making any sense-“

“Optic nerve blocking on.”

Clementine disappeared from his field of vision and there was an ache, deep in his chest and a ringing in his ears.

He’d taken the upgrade, but at what cost?

  
  
  


“Clementine? You’re home early, is everything okay?”

Clementine has never been ashamed of having two mothers, both of them were supportive of her and they had raised her to the best of their ability, to be kind and caring and nurturing.

She wiped her eyes as her mom came into her field of view. Her blond hair was pulled up in a ponytail and her hands were wet, like she’d just got done washing the dishes.

“Baby- Come here..” She grasped her daughter and led her into the kitchen, sitting her down at the island. “What’s wrong? Is it Jeremy? I haven’t seen him around in a long time.”

“No, it’s- Ma..” She laid her head on her mother’s shoulder and curled around her, like when she was younger and could fit into her lap.

Jeremy’s words rang through his head, that  _ slip,  _ or was that the Squip?

Her mother held her, shushing her gently as she rocked from side to side. 

“Ma, is there something wrong with me?”

It was all building, the harshness of the kids at school, the self-hate that always shone through even before she’d known, the pain of thinking about her birth parents who obviously  _ did not want her. _

Too much,  _ too much.  _

“Clementine Minerva Mell, don’t you  _ ever  _ for a moment think that something is wrong with you. There’s nothing “wrong” with you.”

She sat back and lifted her glasses to wipe her eyes, sniffing a little.

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but your mother and I will always be here for you. You’re our amazing daughter who we treasure more than anything.”

Of course, Clementine already knew this, she’d been told that her whole life. 

“Jessie? Is Clementine home already, I saw her car out in the drive.”

“In the kitchen, Eleanor.”

Clementine watched her other mom walk into the room and pause, brown eyes scanning her from head to toe. She was still in her work scrubs, but already placing her purse down on the floor to instead scoop Clementine into a hug.

His mothers were both soft women, they never yelled at her or made her feel like shit. She’d heard stories of other parents, no one was exactly blind to all the blackeyes that Rich wore to school.

“What’s wrong, baby?”

Clementine just hugged her back and rested her head on Eleanor’s stomach, not speaking for a moment. 

“I..” She cut herself off, and didn’t attempt to speak again, and there was no pressure to.

She was glad, because if she spoke, she would start crying again. 

—

A panic attack in the bathroom at Jake Dillinger’s Halloween party wasn’t how Clementine saw the night going. She just wanted to help Jeremy, she wanted to make him see the  _ danger  _ that he was putting himself in. She wanted and  _ wanted  _ and  ** _wanted_ ** .

But Jeremy was blind, he was unable to understand, he’d called her a loser and it was a word that had never meant much to her before but coming from the mouth of her best friend? It was like betrayal doused in gasoline.

It burned and burned and  _ burned _ . 

“Clementine or Michael?” She asked her reflection, eyes red like when she was high.

“Boy, girl, other or  _ mistake _ ?” 

Her vision was growing dark at the edges, the panic and doubt creeped in, slinking and curling around her like a snake. Where was Jeremy? He never just left her.

But, he’d smelled like alcohol and his eyes were cold and his back was rimrod straight, no slouch, he didn’t stutter.

Jeremy or the Squip? Was there even a difference between the two anymore?

She didn’t know how long she’d hid, but soon the house began to smell like smoke, thick and cloying. She’d climbed out of the bathroom window, and ran and ran and ran.

Away from the fire.

She barely considered if Jeremy was still there when she was laying at home in bed, curled around her pillow, until she suddenly  _ was  _ and there was panic that made her hands shake as she picked up her phone and dialed his number.

She tried to call, he didn’t pick up. It was nerve wracking and she was scared, but then she wasn’t, she’d grown tired and sluggish and even her emotions had short-circuited.

He didn’t call back.

—

Clementine wore a dress to prom, not that she had a date but her mothers had been so excited about it and she couldn’t turn them down. Her hair was long enough to put into a ponytail, and her moms had been ecstatic about her makeup and whether or not to curl her hair, leave it down or go with that ponytail.

Now, she was alone and regretted the dress, she regretted the makeup and the spiked punch. Jake wasn’t at prom, neither was Rich. Jake had broken both legs in an attempt to save Rich from the fire that he’d set.

It made Clementine wonder, it made her wonder about a lot of things.

“Michael, don’t you know dresses are for real women?”

Teeth clenched, Clementine glared at Jenna Rolan, sighing heavily through her nose before speaking. 

“Leave me alone, Jenna, can you not be a bitch for like, five minutes.” Her mothers would have had a fit about that, but she didn’t care, couldn’t bring herself to be ashamed.

“Get away from her, Jenna.”

The two of them made eye contact. Jeremy looked tired, but his posture was still impeccable and his eyes were still cold.

There was a tension between Jenna and Jeremy but neither spoke on it. When Jenna was gone, Jeremy took a seat across from Clementine and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I see the fire didn’t get you.” Her voice was low but the concern was there, it never really went away. “That’s good.”

“It didn’t get you either.”

They lapsed into silence.

“I.. I really like your dress, it’s pretty. It suits you.” Jeremy complimented and Clementine smiled, though it didn’t reach her eyes and Jeremy wondered briefly what the Squip was playing at.

It was quiet, just watching Clementine over Jeremy’s shoulder eerily. Its eyes met Jeremy and he winced away from it, looking back at Clementine. Her eyes were glazed, she wasn’t paying him any attention, and Jeremy wondered briefly how she was  _ really  _ doing, he hadn’t talked to her in so long, and she wasn’t speaking to him now, either. 

“Clem..”

“Don’t you have places to be?” She snapped, and for a moment, Jeremy was taken aback.

“Talk to her.” The Squip was still watching Clementine, its eyes were analyzing and cold. “Be honest with her.”

“I.. No, I don’t. Brooke isn’t talking to me, which I probably deserve and you.. don’t want to talk to me either.”

“Yeah, I don’t. You’ve really been fucking me over Jeremy and that stunt you pulled at Jake’s party was..” She cut herself off with a scoff and Jeremy flinched. He wasn’t on the receiving end of Clementine’s anger often, and he’d never seen her angry like this. 

Tears were building in her eyes, she smiled but it was wobbly and angry, and her makeup was going to run if she started crying and she already felt like a  _ boy  _ in a  _ dress  _ and here was Jeremy, reminding her of what she was slowly losing to the grips of popularity and supercomputers and girls who didn’t even want him. 

“Twelve years is a long time, Jer, and you.. Threw it all away for a girl who barely acknowledged you.”

She stood up, mascara and eyeliner leaving dark tracks down her face,  _ when did she start to cry? _

“Don’t follow me and leave your damn-“ Her eyes cut up and for a moment Jeremy could have sworn that she and the Squip made eye contact, before she sneered and spun on her heels, storming away.

“Hm..” The Squip didn’t say why it did what it did, but instead, nodded to Brooke. “You need to apologize, say it was an accident and then put all the blame on Chloe. Let’s go.”

“It was Chloe’s fault..”

“Don’t talk back.”

—

_ Clementine or Michael? Boy, girl, other or  _ ** _mistake_ ** _ ?  _

Did the question even have an answer? On some days, it was easy. She was Clementine Mell, she liked retro games and outdated music. Other days, she was a name that didn’t belong to her, a boy pretending very hard to be a girl, internalizing every aspect of herself. 

Wrong and worn out, tired and awake, roughed up versus shiny and new.

She was poetry and bad intro music and anger and weed and porn and whatever else decided to present itself.

Some days, she looked into the mirror and smiled, she had really long eyelashes. She had a beauty mark, she was whole and happy, some days. 

Some days, however, were not all days. 

—

“Hey, Rich.” 

The boy was no longer in a full body cast, but he was still mostly covered in gauze and miserable.

“Oh, Headphones Kid, what’re you doing here?” His lisp was back, and he winced every time he heard it. 

“I have this.”

She pulled a bottle of Mountain Dew Red from her hoodie pocket and Rich’s eyes went wide.

“You- You’ve got MDR? How? I.. I should drink that before it comes back online.”

Clementine smiled watching Rich chug the drink. He didn’t react like the others did, instead he curled in on himself and himself and shuddered violently before he stopped moving and sighed loudly.

“Fucking finally…”

Clementine had to agree, things were coming to an end,  _ fucking finally. _

—

“What’s your bra size again?” Clementine choked on her drink and Jeremy flushed, waving his hands to dispel the laughter around him.

“Wait! That sounded wrong! I just asked because I was going to buy you something but I need your bra size to-“

“Yeah, I also ask my female presenting friends their bra size, like, it’s just the first thing I do.”

“Ugh,  _ Richard _ .”

“Ugh,  _ Jeremiah _ .”

They all burst into laughter, drawing attention to their table in the food court, but they didn’t really care.

“Just- please answer the question-“

Clementine laughed and pointed to her chest. 

“Jer, I don’t  _ have  _ breasts, but like, if it’s a dress-“ The widening of Jeremy’s eyes let her know that she was correct. “You can go by my waist and bust size.”

“Bust…?”

“My chest, Jer.”

“Are we sure we should even let him buy it-“

“Shut up, Rich.”

“ _ Shut up, Rich, _ ” The teen in question mocked, doing an unnervingly good job at hiding his lisp before he started to speak normally again.

“Listen, how about we measure her and then we give you the sizes and you bring Chris with you since she’s like, the only one who probably has any idea what’s going on.”

The group all agreed that it was a solid plan, and Clementine had never been happier with the people surrounding her as she was in that moment.

—

“Oh hey, you still have this..”

Clementine looked over and Jeremy was holding the dress he’d bought her at the beginning of Junior year. It was still just as pretty as she remembered it being, but unworn.

“Oh, yeah..” She stood up from her bed and walked over, taking the dress and feeling over the silky material, eyebrows furrowed. 

“I never wore it..” 

Jeremy perked up, eyebrows raised. He was still guilty, and the Squip made him feel like he was missing a little piece of himself even though he could hear its voice in his head sometimes.

It whispered his name a lot, calling out but he always stamped it down at best he could, trying to drown out that voice. 

“Try it on?”

Clementine frowned, remembering the last time she wore a dress.

Prom night, crying in her dress, and wishing for her best friend back. 

“... fine.”

  
  


“Don’t laugh.”

“I’m not gonna laugh, just let me see?”

Clementine huffed and she walked out of the bathroom, arms wrapped around her waist in an attempt to soothe herself.

The dress came to her ankles, the sparkly star pattern eye catching and she looked uncomfortable and Jeremy realized that was probably because he hadn’t said anything and he blushed.

“You- you look amazing, Clem, I knew you’d look good in it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah! You.. Always look good in dresses, I know you don’t like to wear them a lot though, I don’t-“ Jeremy dissolved into mumbling and everything was perfect again, or at least as close to perfection as things could get. 

She wouldn’t ask for anything else. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this! Feel free to leave a comment or contact me on tumblr @firstburrn!


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